I am again reminded of how much energy and heartache are involved in the process of adoption. As we gathered our dossier for Amy, we rejoiced with every accomplishment. We were heartbroken to endure the wait before my 30th birthday. We were elated when the dossier went and was logged in. We were saddened when we realized the wait was lengthening for referrals. We were shocked and overjoyed to receive news so quickly about our Amy. We waited with heavy hearts as we awaited travel approval. We had the joy of meeting her in China and the anxiety as we faced a grieving and heartbroken little girl. There was elation when we saw her laugh and tears when it seemed we had taken two steps back.
And so the story goes. And it is also the story for our Amy.
I can honestly say that several months have passed without any sign of grief from Amy; leading me to believe that she was "done grieving". How foolish of me to think that it is an event that can actually have an end date. It truly is a process.
Amy is on the mend from her first real bout of sickness since we have had her home. She ran a high fever and has been coughing a lot. She has needed me. I have been holding her a lot and rocking her and snuggling her.
This morning was going very well; Amy was playing and getting back to feeling good. She was feeling so good that she started whining at me - trying to get her way. I went through the process that we do when she is being corrected and I sent her to her room. She hasn't been sleeping well, so she fell asleep in her room. About 20 minutes later she came back downstairs and reached up to be held. I held her and took her to go sit and watch the news. She was pretty teary eyed and wasn't looking at me. I sat her up to make some eye contact with her and she adamently refused.
That wasn't going to work.
She lost it.
She was screaming and kicking and crying some serious tears. I won't go into all the details, but one thing I will share is that it became evident to me that Amy had been sick in the orphanage and that someone took care of her. She was sad and missed that someone. I never would have imagined that an illness would trigger a grief response, but it did. We talked and worked through her feelings.
Once she was doing better (and I was doing better) I realized that this was a grief issue and not an attachment issue. I wouldn't call myself an expert on attachment. I will say that we have really gone through the attachment process - the good and the not so good - and Amy knows she is loved. I think that her heart was conflicted.
Why am I sharing this? A few message boards and groups that I am part of have been discussing attachment as of late. I am baffled at just how little some agencies prepare their clients for attachment and the grieving process. I have literally read blogs of adoptive families that are put off that their children "don't like them" and they don't have a clue why! We were prepared for the worst (in both cases) and hoped for the best. We landed somewhere in the middle. Sure there were days in China that I lost perspective, but that was when Chris would remind me of what we learned during the wait; and that gave me the strength to hold on.
Grief is a process. It happens and your heart breaks. Then you go for months and everything is "fine" and then you child's memory is triggered and there you are again. Then - as quick as it came on - it is over. Amy went back to being her normal silly self after about an hour. I experienced her "episode" and my heart will never be the same. Today I am thankful that even when I couldn't hold her and love her through an illness, one of Amy's caregivers did. Thank you God.
Family room
Our tiny little tree in the family room
View from the family room into the kitchen
The kitchen 
Amy "helped" Daddy saw down the tree... 
Mommy worked clean up on the lower limbs...
and SOMEHOW the tree shrunk over ONE FOOT between the time we saw it, chopped it and put it up in our house! :) Oh well. It IS beautiful! 
Ashleigh puts the finishing touches on a pumpkin cheesecake that we made to take to Grandmas.
We visited a tree farm on Friday to choose our family Christmas tree and WHO should we see??? Santa! Austin asked for toy cars, toys motorcyles...
Amy asked for... well, she didn't ask for anything (but DID manage a candy cane) and Ashleigh asked for a baby brother! Oh dear...
So, we sought out the perfect tree... 
One of her FAVORITE activities - Playdough! She could sit for HOURS and just roll little snakes or cut out cookies.
One of her siblings favorite activites - which THEY could do for hours! She doesn't get GameBoy at all, but she knows that it has pictures and music - and those are two of her favorite things.
Go Chiefs! Touchdown! Too bad having the cutest cheerleader didn't count for anything on Sunday.
Taking a minute to stop and have a snack. 
Andy rolling some ab-fab sushi for us...
Lily and Amy running around just looking cute :)
Amy, Gail, Ashleigh and Chris look on as the sushi master does his thang...
A platter full of some yummerific morsels (and they were nearly ALL consumed!) 
Ashleigh, Austin and Amy - showing off the pumpkin art!
Amy the Monkey and Grayson the Elephant 
