...and one step back. No, I am not quoting the 80's song by Paula Abdul, but instead sharing a little about my current parenting experience.
Last week I told Chris on more than one occasion that I couldn't believe what a difference I was seeing in Anna and how she was responding to me! It was such an awesome week: lots of eye contact, coming to me for comfort and so on. Then starting on Tuesday, I am not sure what happened. Nothing terribly awful or anything, just a little heartbreaking for this momma. She has been doing great except for at happy nappy. I have always held her for a few minutes before I tuck her in; sing her a few songs and then to bed. Tuesday, yesterday and today she has had the return of that look of "terror" in her eyes, accompanied by the stiffening of her little body and crying. It just hurts.
I know - I shouldn't need to have my child return affection... But I am human, aren't I? Consider how it feels to give affection and receive in return and then to have that person turn cold to you. I admit that it hurts. I also fully know that Anna is perfectly capable of returning my affection - as she was freely giving it last week. I know that this process of bonding/attachment is indeed a dance. I know all this. I know that because she has shown affection, it will come again. But for now, I hurt and that has to be ok. Maybe she is hurting, too, and that is what triggered this response?
I am compelled to again draw the parallel between GOD's parenting of me to my parenting of Anna...
As I abide in Him, I long to return His affection by honoring Him in the way I speak and think and react to those around me and to Him. It's natural. But then I see something or experience something that distracts me from abiding. He is still there - offering is love and affection to me, but somehow I can't see it clearly. There is certainly nothing wrong with the Father; He is consistent and loving. I am just distracted - either by my own sin or by something that I cannot even control.
Surely this distraction that Anna is experiencing right now is nothing I can control. I wish I could say that I am always consistent and loving (like the Father), but I am human and fall terribly short of His perfection. I must continue to offer Anna (and all my children) the most loving and consistent environment possible. They will all be distracted at times, but when they need me, I must be there - with arms wide open - ready to shower love and affirmation on them; to just let them abide.
Anna will be fine. As I said earlier, she is capable. I will be fine, too. I seek my ultimate security and acceptance not from my children, my husband, my friends or my family, but from the Only One who is able.
